The Night I Signed My Life Away

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He had asked me for a divorce, and I had fought for months to keep that from happening. I loved him, and I didn't want our family to fall apart. I knew there was another woman, even though he wouldn't admit it. He had never admitted to any of the others, why would he tell the truth this time?

I was annoyed by the irony of how he wanted to sign the divorce papers. He had dropped off the papers at the house for me to read them, but he didn't want either of us to sign them until we were together. It was like he wanted it to be some kind of sick date! How romantic of him, right? Let's get together as a couple and sign the divorce papers. Be still my heart!

I had been avoiding reading them until that day, trying to delay the inevitable. I knew there was nothing I could do. He'd made up his mind. But when I sat down to read them, I couldn't believe my eyes! Here was my way out of this! The papers said that I was agreeing that our marriage was irreconcilable. The thing was, I didn't belive our marriage WAS irreconcilable. I thought it could be saved. This was a legal document. I could not put my signature on a legal document that I didn't agree with! So if I told him that I believed our marriage was worth saving, and I couldn't sign the papers, maybe he would agree to work on it!

He came over that night, cheerful as could be, ready to have our special little night of writing off our marriage. I took a deep breath and told him I couldn't sign the papers, explaining my reasons.

His rage was immediate. I saw his eyes go red and his lips swell up like they always did when he was ready to start punching things. I knew he'd had an anger management problem before we met. I'd read his homework from the court-appointed class that he'd had to take. I knew he'd lied on the homework, making things look less than they were. But he seemed to have learned from the class because he'd only ever thrown things before when he was mad at me. It had only happened a handful of times, but he would grab whatever was closest to him, throw it, and then stomp out of the house.

I had never worried about him actually hitting me.

But now he was on a rampage. His fury was terrifying. He punched his fist through a tv tray that was in the living room, completely destroying it. He took the little table that my dad had built when I was a child, that our daughter used to do puzzles and color, and smashed it into the floor. The corner of the little table was crushed, it dented the hardwood floor, then it bounced and hit the edge of our brand new tv. Thankfully, it didn't hit the screen. But it left a permanent mark on the tv's frame that I could never clean off, no matter how hard I scrubbed. 

Then he crashed his way through the house and into our bedroom. I was even more terrified because our daughter and our foster daughter were asleep in the next room and I was so afraid he would wake them. I didn't want them to see this side of him.

Once in our bedroom, my terror turned to horror as he grabbed the golf club he always kept next to the bed - for protection from intruders - and started swinging it around the room. He smashed the glass on the pictures hanging just a few feet away from my head. For the first time in our ten-year marriage, I was truly afraid that he might actually hit me. I stood there sobbing, pleading with him to calm down.

And that's when I knew. 

Our marriage could no longer be saved.

He had crossed a line that I was not willing to deal with.

Our marriage really was irreconcilable.

I told him I would sign the papers. As quickly as the rage had entered him, it was gone. We went into the kitchen where we sat down at the table and signed the papers. He hugged me, then left. I cleaned up the mess he had made, so the girls wouldn't see it in the morning. Then I went to bed, where I cried myself to sleep.

It took me a few days to recover from the impact of seeing him so angry. I deeply mourned the end of the marriage we could have had.

But one day, about a week after signing the papers, I realized I was done. I no longer wanted anything to do with him. I was ready to move on and make a new life for myself.

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Memories Thought Never To Be Forgotten...

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This will be long ...for me at least (A.D.D. will start soon..)

If you have read my stories, you will know that I don't forget faces, especially those from relationships. And if you have read my stories, you know I talk about one specific girl in my stories - "Marie." She put me in a downward spiral of self hate, self harm, and no self worth.

School recently started. I saw her, but I didnt recognize her. Me, the one who never forgets a face, never gets over a girl, and I forgot! I got over her. I wanted to start crying, breaking down. For some reason, my life had frozen. I didnt try to look for her like I used to. I had forgotten her, forgot it all. I didn't just forget "Marie," but the rape, the hate, all of it. 

I forgot everything except the hate. People hate me because I have screwed up. I am angry. I have unimaginable rage. Right now, even the computer I'm typing on is angering me so much, but I resist. I resist the urge to lash out.

So, I met a girl. She is the sweetest girl, and she just stops me. I know I will regret saying this, but I really do love her. She is my world. When "Brina" just caresses me and holds me tight, she stops the rage and anger ...and the self harm.

The earlier generations don't seem to understand. To them, depression is a mood, not a mental ilness. We didn't choose the pain, self harm, or anger, we were born with it. We grew up faking the smile, hiding it untill some sees a cut, the scar tissue, the hole in the wall, the pure hatred of society.

We struggle to simply wake up in the morning and function as a human beings, yet we still wake up. We get up, even though there is no motivation, our faces tear-stained, our hearts beating for that one girl or boy we like. We want that one special person to know the pain, the quirks, the oddities, and unknown anger. We want that one person to look into our eyes and know our hearts beat for love.

I want that one girl to see me and know that my eyes see only her. I want her to see why I wake to an ever-beating heart deep in my chest.

I found that girl. And she saw me...

My anger is clashing with my feelings of love and affection! Please help me. Reach out to me. I want to start changing my life! 

Stay strong, all of you. YOU are my family.

 

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DOH Monday: Birthday Balloons

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Recently, Sunshine's grandmother celebrated her 90th birthday.

As if that weren't awesome enough by itself, Sunshine's sister cooked gumbo for the occasion. Sunshine's sister is why I love cajun food; that wench can cook her ass off and that gumbo was fucking amazing.

There were also balloon bouquets on each table.

 

 

After the party was over, nobody knew what to do with all those balloons. So we cut them loose and let them fly so that they could bring a smile to somebody's face as they floated overhead.

 

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Good News!

The profile setting glitch has been corrected and you should be able to set up new profiles and log in now!

Please share your stories.

We all learn from each other, and there is strength in knowing you are NOT ALONE.

If you are still having issues with logging in, please email:
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 Much Love, 

The Band

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Life Is Too Short

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Hey The Band!

I just want you to know that I read each and every one of the posts that go up on here. Each post makes me feel an array of different emotions and I wish I could reach through the screen and hug every single one of you. You are so strong and courageous for putting your stories up for the world to see. 

Now, having said that. I have a few things I want you guys to think about. 

Life is too short to continue doing things that don't make you happy. If you are in a sour relationship that you don't foresee going anywhere, get out! It may be hard at first, but you will be so much happier once you drop the dead weight. You and only you hold the power to your own happiness. Why waste months or even years with someone who doesn't make you happy? Each day is a gift. A gift that shouldn't be wasted. 

Are you sick and tired of doing the same thing day in and day out? Change it! Have the courage to jump out of the endless cycle you've found yourself in and start something new! Whether it be a career change, or a new hobby, just do it!

I don't want you to look back at your life years from now and wish you had done something different. Now is the time to do that something different. 

Want to go back to school, learn a new trade? Do it! What is stopping you? If it's money that is holding you back, look into all of the grants and loans you could get. Start somewhere.

Surround yourself with people who love and care about you and want you to be happy. If there is someone or multiple people bringing you down, let them go. All they are doing is holding you back from who you want to be.

No matter how long you have traveled down this road you are on, there is always an escape route. You can turn around at any point and find a new way. It will be scary to travel into the unknown, but I know you can do it! 

If you suffer from depression, know that there is a way out. Talk to someone, maybe even get on to a medication if you can. You don't have to suffer any longer. Get out and change it. Find something you love and do it! Do what makes you happy. Always.

If you have been knocked down in life, get back up! You may feel like your life is in pieces scattered all over the floor, but you can pick them up and put them back together. You can heal. You can overcome anything that comes your way. You got this!

Happiness is achievable, you just have to work for it. There isn't a little fairy that will come around and sprinkle happy dust on you, you have to get out there and find your own happiness. You are all worth it and all deserve happiness. If you sit back and look at your life and find that you aren't happy, find the problem and fix it. Life is far too short to waste precious moments doing things or being with someone who doesn't make you happy. 

You are worth it.

You are strong. 

You are courageous. 

You can do this!

I believe in every single one of you. Now go find your happy!

 

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