In Hell

Hello The Band! This is my first time posting. 

Have been mentally ill all my life. Just looked normal on the outside and could distract you long enough with humor. 

At age 18, I was in an accident and lapsed into a coma, but my troubles started well before that. 

I had trichotillomania at 14. Yes, I pulled my hair out - one strand at a time. It made my anxiety go away. 

College failure, then back again. Second marriage now. The "I Hate Being Married" post from Band Back Together hangs on my wall. My husband is a nice enough man and a good provider. He just has terrible hoarding and undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome. His family and he are ULTRA FUNCTIONAL, so it just makes it harder - there's nothing wrong with them. We went to counseling before marriage and he decided the problem was me, initial patient.

I still pull my hair in very stressful situations. I have to use organin dust to hide bald spots. 

Friday, I was arrested. That's why I'm writing. My best friend was bitten by a dog and the dog's owner then pushed my friend down a flight of stairs. I called 911. The dispatcher was making me so frustrated and I was so scared of the guys - friends of the dog's owner - standing around my car that I cursed at her. I called her a "fucking idiot." The police came to my house I'd thought to investigate the dog bite and assault of my friend. 

Instead, the cops arrested me for "abusing the 911 system" and being "rude to the 911 dispatcher." They never read me my Miranda rights; they hauled me off to jail. The cops ripped my sweater. They stomped my foot. I have bruises up and down my body from them smashing my head and body on my car.

Twice.

I am humiliated; alone in this world. I've been to the crisis center twice. I am so paranoid now - I don't trust anyone. 

I've always had trust issues; my father's an alcoholic, my mother a control freak. My trust issues are worse now. I feel like everyone's against me. Some people actually are. The friend who'd been bitten by the dog, the one I'd called 911 for tells me I should learn to keep my big mouth shut. 

I'm exhausted and alone and can't stay at work. Can't even go in some days. 

Today, I was told I have Social Avoidant Personality Disorder. The police want to make this event go to trial. 

The police brought the dispatcher I'd yelled at to my arrest. She is was leaning on the police car and rode in the police car with me to detention. I'm devastated - I feel like I'm floating. 

I feel like I did as a little kid with all the chaos in my life - no one knew the truth - or no one was telling me; they were all trying to trip me up. 

I'm sorry if I sound like a victim. 

I didn't know what else to do tonight but write. 

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Scared

I'm scared. Scared of everything.

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Sad

I just broke up with my boyfriend after six months together. The last month has been awful. He suffers anxiety and depression and is on medication. He lost his job and fell deeper into depression.

One time, he took time away sitting in his dark room to call me, crying, saying that he hates himself, and that his life and is so sad with regrets of the decisions that got him where he is now. I wanted to help, so I got him some work thru a friend. It made him a bit better, but then we would go out, and his awful mood swings would start up - little things like not finding a carpark or the menu changed at restaurant. He insulted me, picked at my personality, and said he hates living here, and as soon as he saves enough money he is leaving to go live somewhere else. It made me sad, and put me down.

I had already lost my confidence after being married for 15 years, only to have my ex-husband meet someone else, leave, and then stop paying child support and rarely see his kids because he's always busy with her. Its been a year, and now my ex-husband is getting married. Good luck to them, but it's hard to struggle financially to take care of two children on my own. I feel trapped and unable to have any control over this. So, when I met my now ex-boyfriend I was happy. But now he's gone too.

I feel hopeless, useless, sad, and sick of it all. I sleep a lot when I'm not at work, and my body aches. I'm so unhappy. How can I make my life better? What do I do? It's been too much heartache for too long.

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The Legacy

Both my parents were narcissistic. My Dad is cruel and sadistic and is still able to kill me with a single glance, smirk, or word. Thankfully my Mom died. But even after her death she still managed to ruin my life.

Now I'm alone and incredibly lonely. I've been told by too many people in various ways that I'm not normal and by inference and action that I'm not worthy of having friends. I try to have friends but inevitably I screw it up and they leave. So I've been isolating myself for the better part of the past year, ever since my brother committed suicide.

I blame my Dad for his suicide because my brother was the scapegoat and got the lion's share of the constant abuse. Even though my brother was in his 40s, he was never right. I wrote on the back of a picture of him at his funeral that he was braver than I. He ended his torture. My Dad didn't give up his cruise in order to go to the funeral. He disrespected him even in death.

So how do I know if I'm an evil narcissist? I don't want to be. But my first daughter is borderline and I'm just sure it is my fault.

I know I need people in my life. It just hurts too much to have them move on, saying that I'm not normal. After the last person moved on, I made a commitment to myself that it would never happen again. I won't give my heart to anyone again. Yeah sure, I'll bump shells and run, but no more friendships that I NEED. No one will ever mean that much to me again. I'm sorry, today is a bad day. Maybe tomorrow I'll write something happier.

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Ask The Band: Broke, Broken, And Confused

After a year of healing, putting my life back together, and seeing more doctors then a medical school could hold, I'm here.

Lost.

Broken.

Broke.

The prosecuting attorney promised so much. The prosecutor hid so much.

The prosecutor got his win.

I got forgotten.

After months of waiting, crying, trying to forget, I get a call stating it's no longer a quiet plea agreement. No. It's a public trial by jury.

I was reassured it would never go that far. Was told mounting medical bills would be covered by restitution.

The judge got personal at sentencing. Couldn't blame him. No restitution for me or the second girl. When you put a man in prison for raping you, he gets 25 years. Can't exactly be sued.

Now I'm cutting my psych medication in half to save money. Two months behind on rent. Two kids. No medical coverage. No financial assistance. Can't even get a loan.

Anyone have any advice?

Have sold some inherited rings. I've cut costs of food by skipping all but one meal every day. Same with my fiancee.

Scared.

Hungry.

Running out of options.

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