This post was written as a contribution to BB2G's Bringing Happy Back World Tour. March's theme is Being Kind To Yourself.
Today is therapy day. It used to be that on therapy days I didn't make any plans that required me to drive. I had my then-fiance make sure that he was home and knew exactly what my schedule was, and put my close family members and friends on alert that I might call them in hysterics. This was to protect myself; therapy was so upsetting that if I were to get behind the wheel of a car I might just drive off the road. Sad, but true. I needed a rock-solid support network to get through those days.
Let me do a little explaining. For the last 3 years I've been turning my life around and learning to be good to myself. I've been peeking under the band aid in order to examine my wounds and and actually treat them. I've taken a six week Managing Your Depression class, completed a six month private outpatient therapy group for Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse, and appended these with weekly therapy. The first decade of my life was a mess of abuse, neglect, and other assorted traumas and I'm now trying to resolve those issues. It requires getting past the many clever protective mechanisms my mind devised early on while learning skills to cope with the symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I've put in a lot of hard work. It's been exhausting and often times seems never-ending. I get down on myself a lot because I'm not yet DONE. I'm not "all better." I still fall into old habits and just when things seem to be going well, an old memory will invade and litter my mind with flashbacks and uncontrollable emotions. It's difficult to live fully in my life as it is now when I am still dealing with so much from my past.
BUT...I have a lot for which to be thankful. I have come a long way in the last three years. My stubborn attitude has actually done a lot for me. It's gotten me through some very tough times and kept me from being an abuse statistic, made me into a survivor rather than a victim. When everything inside of me demands that I stop opening Pandora's box o' trauma, I have continued anyway.
I am kind of in love with my life. I mean, the tough stuff is not my favorite but I have a wonderful husband who is absolutely my perfect match, and my son blows me away every day with his imagination, sense of humor, and generally shiny, happy personality. There are always going to be things that would be nice to have but I feel so lucky and content with the things I have currently - I don't NEED anything else.
I am also a generally stable person in decent health and I can hold down a job. I've been at my current employer for over 3 years, which is especially amazing considering that I've gone through so much therapy and a divorce during that time.
I'm a good mother and a good wife, including during those times when I make it a point to get some rest and peace. I could not say that with confidence several years ago.
I am a good person and fun to be around, as evidenced by the amazing people who continue to spend time with me.
I still get down on myself sometimes, but when that happens I acknowledge it and know that it will pass. That in itself has made it all the past years' work worth it because I have hope again. I look to all the people who have supported me and feel such gratitude because they have stuck with me through all of this. And today I can say thank you to myself, as well, and agree wholeheartedly that I deserve happiness...even if it is therapy day.
