I turned the radio on to that station you hated.
You know the one, with the blaring rock music, and the DJ’s you never liked. Not that you found them offensive. You just thought they weren’t funny. You laughed when I told one of their jokes.
I turn the volume up. Just a little. Just because you always hated it.
I don’t drink anymore. You ruined me for it. Not that it is a bad thing, not drinking. But sometimes I think of those girly drinks I used to love, that you would always tease me for… Cosmos, redheaded sluts, you know, the fruity ones. The ones that I would joke would make me no less of a man (even though I was and am pre-op trans). The ones I would chase with a shot of tequila, or whiskey. Or both. Those were some interesting nights we had, huh?
I still sometimes think I see you in crowds. It used to be, if I thought you were there, you probably were. Magic of running with the same crowd, and inevitably doing the same things. Now, I haven’t seen most of those people in over a year. Interesting that the people I called friends weren’t more interested when I fell off of the grid.
Hey, congratulations. You always talked about wanting to do something big and lasting, in that way that people who fancy themselves artists have. You certainly managed it. Thanks to you, I can’t be a mentally healthy human being. Probably ever. You didn’t start the ball rolling, no – we have my family to thank for that one… Though you did pick at that wound, so thanks for that. But you managed some irreparable damage, and left me totally broken. You rock.
So, still hanging around the same crowd? Anyone ever mention me or where I went? Probably not. They were all pretty superficial. Unless they were high… In which case, they tried so hard to be deep. But anyhow, they ever ask you what happened? You ever tell them? Probably said that I made a move on you. Because you were so fuckin’ irresistible. I don’t trust people very easily anymore.
Over a year since our little ‘anniversary’. Do you ever regret it? You planned to prey on the one with the blossoming drinking problem, shame and guilt issues and the body issues who trusted you? Probably. I sound like kind of an easy mark.
I just wanted to let you know that I found people that accept me for all of my awkward, neurotic tendencies. They always call me by my right name. They love me, and would protect me from someone like you. And yeah, in the back of my mind, I am still just a little fearful of them. Because I trusted you that much once.
Funny how something like a radio station can bring back such memories.
Add me to the list of the ones who will love and protect.
I hope you’ll be able to find that trust for somebody else, and they they will be worthy of it for you. *hugs*
The hell with them. They aren’t worth it. You wanna hang with someone who knows you’re awesome just as you are? Drop me a line. We’ll rip the shit up, even if it’s just virtually. *hugs*
Mathias, I commend you on turning up the volume. Take power wherever you can take it to help ease the pain (unless it hurts you, then don’t, we don’t want counterproductive).
I can so completely relate to “prey on the one with the blossoming drinking problem, shame and guilt issues and the body issues who trusted you”. I am so sorry you were taken advantage of. There are so many jackoffs out there that just seem to be able to target and take advantage of us.
I know you don’t know me, but I would like to be added to your list of people who care. None of us seem to have a very long list.
Thinking of you.
you know what? when yo find you ca trust someone again it will be good, better, best.
the hell with that asshole….
sending a big hug!
am also doing the no drinky-poos (for the most part anyway). I loved tham way too much, especially at night before bed. I sort of miss them but I feel healthier than I’ve felt in years.
So sorry to hear that your friends were superficial. They really weren’t your friends. (Such a cliche’ but true). I can completely relate to that too.
All the best to you. Love and hugs, Rachael
This post is full of the powerful. I’m so glad you’re moving on with your life. And you’re right: it’s funny how something like a radio station can bring it all back.
I don’t know you but this is very common. Please don’t let this define you as a person. Use it as a lesson of personal strength. Self-esteem is a process and use this experience as one stepping stone towards happiness. Good luck
Add me to the crew who will accept you for who you are and will defend you against the bastards of the world.
I think you are stronger than you realize. It took a hell of a lot of guts to post this.
Add me to the crew of you are not alone. You are loved for who you are, not just in spite of it.