I turned the radio on to that station you hated.

You know the one, with the blaring rock music, and the DJ's you never liked. Not that you found them offensive. You just thought they weren't funny. You laughed when I told one of their jokes.

I turn the volume up. Just a little. Just because you always hated it.

I don't drink anymore. You ruined me for it. Not that it is a bad thing, not drinking. But sometimes I think of those  girly drinks I used to love, that you would always tease me for... Cosmos, redheaded sluts, you know, the fruity ones. The ones that I would joke would make me no less of a man (even though I was and am pre-op trans). The ones I would chase with a shot of tequila, or whiskey. Or both. Those were some interesting nights we had, huh?

I still sometimes think I see you in crowds. It used to be, if I thought you were there, you probably were. Magic of running with the same crowd, and inevitably doing the same things. Now, I haven't seen most of those people in over a year. Interesting that the people I called friends weren't more interested when I fell off of the grid.

Hey, congratulations. You always talked about wanting to do something big and lasting, in that way that people who fancy themselves artists have. You certainly managed it. Thanks to you, I can't be a mentally healthy human being. Probably ever. You didn't start the ball rolling, no we have my family to thank for that one... Though you did pick at that wound, so thanks for that. But you managed some irreparable damage, and left me totally broken. You rock.

So, still hanging around the same crowd? Anyone ever mention me or where I went? Probably not. They were all pretty superficial. Unless they were high... In which case, they tried so hard to be deep. But anyhow, they ever ask you what happened? You ever tell them? Probably said that I made a move on you. Because you were so fuckin' irresistible. I don't trust people very easily anymore.

Over a year since our little 'anniversary'. Do you ever regret it? You plan to prey on the one with the blossoming drinking problem, shame and guilt issues and the body issues who trusted you? Probably. I sound like kind of an easy mark.

I just wanted to let you know that I found people that accept me for all of my awkward, neurotic tendencies. They always call me by my right name. They love me, and would protect me from someone like you. And yeah, in the back of my mind, I am still just a little fearful of them. Because I trusted you that much once.

Funny how something like a radio station can bring back such memories.

11 Comments