A Letter To My Younger Self

As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. Do you have life lessons that would have helped you through a difficult time?

Share those with The Band as you write a letter to your younger self.

Put down that beer right now. It's caused you enough grief already and if you stop drinking now, it will save you a lot of grief in the future. You do not need it. It just makes you seem silly and makes you a target for abuse.

Now, call your Mom back and tell her you'll be changing your major even though she thinks you won';t be able to succeed. Dancing is her dream, not yours. You want to be seen AND heard.

Unfortunately, your life has been based on how you appear to others and it has made you very insecure. You will never measure up to the incredible standards you have created for yourself. So, just do it. Change your major from dance to psychology.

Here comes the difficult part.

You are not crazy.

You are right.

The drinking, the eating disorder and the incredibly low self-​esteem are connected. I know you have been searching with all of your might, trying to find the missing piece, trying to make it make sense. I know you do not want to drink or count potato chips. You want to walk into a room and confidently say "Hello."

The missing piece is a lost memory. You suppressed it because it was too much for your developing brain to handle. I'm not sure your brain can handle it now, but I do know you'll waste less time if you know now.

If you need to leave school, do it.

If you need to stop talking to your mom and sister, do it.

If you need to join the Peace Corps, do it.

Whatever it takes to begin your journey of healing, do it now.

All else will take care of itself.

No need to worry about getting too old to dance. You won't be a famous dancer. Dance for fun.

If you want to be famous, head towards that little room in the basement of the university next to the sports equipment storage - the computer lab. That's where the money is. And yes, you are smart enough to do it.

Work on your voice. Write. Laugh. Go for a walk and write some more.

No, I'm not kidding.

That journal writing you have been doing is good stuff. It really, really is. And don't throw away any of them. You'll want all of your writing, even the stuff you wrote when you were eight.

People will hear you.

You will be heard.

It will get very lonely sometimes. But it will pass. It all does. Everything does. Darkness turns to light, sadness to joy, and vice versa.

Yes, there will be darkness.

When it is especially difficult, look in the mirror and say, "I love you."

Look at me, right now, saying "It wasn't your fault.

You will get through this.

You have survived the worst of it.

There will be light.

And I will be here with you always.

Dear 14-Year-Old Me,

Right now, you are a in a lot of pain; you are confused and your life appears to have been dismantled as you helplessly looked on.

You are about to deal with your fear and confusion by becoming angry. You will rationalise this in later years as 'taking control of your life' but I am telling you now, that this anger is driven by fear.

You will not accept or understand this for 35 years, unless you listen to me now.

If I was standing in front of you now, I would like to take you in my arms and talk to you about how you feel and explain a few things. Why have you always felt that you are a loner? Why has your family looked different from others, with you never seeing any affection between Mum and Dad, the constant rows, the underlying tension? 

You should know that it is not okay to be hit and humiliated. It is not okay to see the same thing happen to your brother. It is not okay to see it happen to your mother. You should accept that your father is a very scary man. But to do this means that you will have to accept that your family is abnormal and you can't stand the stigma.

It has been drilled into you that things are "okay."

I should tell you that your mother will show you all the love that she can but that she is not capable of proper parental nurture. You will feel loved by her one minute and humiliated by her the next. She only sees you as a reflection of herself and will control everything that you do in order to feed her own needs. This will not stop, even in your adult life but you can't accept this because you are terrified of losing her because you already sense that she has abandoned you.

Your fear means that you will reject anything that confirms your subconscious terror.

I might be able to get through to you if I could explain that Mum and Dad had real, genuine problems. However, the terms Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder had not been coined then. Any suggestion that your parents or you were suffering for a reason will be rejected as pathetic and weak. And you must not be weak. However, you have inherited and learned elements of the same problem.

By now, you have defences. From an early age you have cycled alone for miles, for no apparent reason. You have cut yourself, developed OCD type rituals for every aspect of your daily living and have had a tic. In the past two years, you have started to run obsessively and coupled this with anorexia.

But, Little Me, you have never asked yourself, why the fuck has nobody noticed that you have a problem? It is because they are all too immersed in their own drama and handicapped by their own sickness?

You are there as a part of that and there is no help coming.

You have just been told that your mother has left home with another man. You have just seen your father break down and you have now been sent back to boarding school. In addition, you are just about to learn in a very violent way that your brother is actually your half-brother and that your mother has been persistently unfaithful. To add icing to the cake, within 4 years both your parents re-marry partners with NPD.

The only recognition at school from your house master is when you say that your fortnightly grades were down because you had had a hard week, he replied "I will accept that this time but I never want to hear that excuse again." He never did. From that day on you never cry, you never complain. You cope.

As a new (and probably) ultimate defence mechanism, you are on the cusp of throwing yourself into study. You decide to study medicine despite everyone telling you that you won't make it. Well, you say, "fuck them." I wish that I could make you see that you are doing this to ease the pain, to hit back at your Dad (a doctor) and to go for the hardest thing you can, to gain some self -esteem.

Guess what? You succeed. Everyone looks on in amazement as you transform from a lost academic second rater to a top-stream player.

You have never worked so hard and you don't stop for years.

I am sorry to tell you that this anger and fear will blight your relationships, especially with women and especially with your sons. You should know that it has taken the failure of your second marriage to force you to confront these issues and begin a process of recovery.

You will look on me with scorn, because you think that to acknowledge the suffering that has occurred is weak but I am only trying to spare you pain.

Together, you and I must stop this cycle of behaviour, because you will enact much of your parents behaviour. You must see that if you don't deal with your pain, you will pass it on. I am dealing with it now and it's very hard.

In truth, I'm a little pissed off with you!

By the way, you will have your heart badly broken by your first love and make no connection to our mother.

So, Little Me, I find it hard to see what I can do to help you. I can see what is going to happen but I know that your determination and defences will stop me getting through to you. Nevertheless, here are some gems of advice and if you can, please heed them.

- Please try to understand that all of this is not your fault. Also, it is not your job to make it all right.

- 99.9% of your suffering belongs to others, mainly the adults. You have been and still are a child. Hand this pain back to them and make them be responsible for it, if you can. Let them know how you feel, try to make yourself heard.

- People do care about you. Please, please let them in. Open up to them. Your running coach will approach you in a few weeks and ask you what is wrong, tell him, he is a good man.

A girl who you are chasing after at university will turn to you and tell you that you are great but she can't get close to you, listen to her and open up. Andy and Ian are the best friends you will ever have, they love you and care about you, don't leave it 35 years to let them see you for who you are.

- Know that you are a good person, you are quite clever, you are not bad looking, you are not, never have been and never will be fat.

- Cutting is not the only way that you self-harm. Over-exercising, over-working and eating "control" are just different faces of the same thing. 

- When your defences are overwhelmed, you will rage and scare people. This is unacceptable. The earlier you can accept why this happens, the less damage you will cause to yourself and others you love.

I am not sure how this will get delivered to you.

Perhaps in a dream, from which you will wake up from in the morning. If that is the case, that residual "I have had a dream" echo should leave you with the feeling that there are some hard times ahead but that we will have the courage to accept the past and to walk the hard, challenging but wonderful and enlightening path of recovery.

I hope that you will start your day in the confidence that someday you will make sense of the madness and show that the hideous cycle of dysfunctional behaviour does not have to happen. This will be a gift to your children and theirs and you will be proud.

I wish that I could walk with you now, as you walk with me always.

Your 49-Year Old Self

As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. Do you have life lessons that would have helped you through a difficult time?

Share those with The Band as you write a letter to your younger self.

Dear Young Cindy,

If you are reading this, congratulations. You survived the 80s! One day, you will look back and want to kick yourself in the ass. Or something.

One day, you will see young, trendy things wear Ray Ban Wayfarers, and you will remember when you lost a pair while skipping school in a stolen boat. You will also remember that you bought them because of Sonny Crockett's effortless cool.

#spoileralert: You look back at these images and cry because this is as good as it gets for the House of Versace. Another #spoileralert: They blow up that car. Shut up already, they give him a cooler one.

While we're talking about effortless cool, let's talk about your hair because cool is one thing it ain't. Just stop it already. You look like an idiot trying to achieve bangs like this 

and you will someday have a fierce desire to go through all eleventy-thousand pictures your mom has from your childhood and destroy all photographic proof that you even tried this. Or giant bows.

Speaking of looking like an idiot, #pantsarebullshit. Especially these:

and these

Knickers and stirrup pants are just ridiculous. And extremely unflattering. You should burn these pants.

Skinny jeans will also fall out of favor, but you really should think twice before finally throwing your skinny jeans away. About 5 years after you do, they will come back into favor. While you're cleaning out the closet, do throw away all the things that look like this:

because one day you will realize that shoulder pads look ridiculous. Also? You will grow up to have enough trouble fitting your strong arms and shoulders into shirts and jackets; shoulder pads just make the problem worse.

Enjoy Guns & Roses while it lasts, because this:

grows up to look like this:

And this guy?

Goes on to greatness such as this:

Slash, however, doesn't appear to have aged one second, but then again, who could tell through all that hair and that awesome hat? He will continue creating great music with the rest of the band, as well as doing some interesting collaborations with diverse artists. Like Michael Jackson.

As for Skid Row, well, I have no idea what happened to the rest of Skid Row, but who cares anyway? Sebastian will turn up from time to time making stupid comments on "World's Dumbest Criminals" right next to Leif Garrett. In twenty years, all of them will look rather pathetic. Except Slash.

Don't mourn the hair bands too much. Nickelback will come along and remind you very much of them all one day. Most people will hate them. You will love them. Until #chavril.

If you're wondering what all the pound signs are for, well, I don't know how to explain them. They're called #hashtags and you? Will one day think in them.

You may hate these years right now, but I promise you that one day you'll look back and laugh. You will laugh at your arrogance, you will laugh at your taste in clothing, and you will hope that the 80s never come around again in fashion. They will, and you will buy a pair of harem pants. At 42. (Your ass will look great in them, I promise.)

I'm not going to tell you what happens to you by the time you turn 40. You wouldn't believe it anyway. You're too busy hanging out with guys who dress like Sonny Crockett, trying to achieve 8" of height in your bangs, wearing stirrup pants, and drooling over Axl Rose.

Congratulations on surviving the 80s, I promise it's worth it! There will come a day when you can settle into your skin and be really OK with that. Just know that you don't do it alone.

Now, just to embarrass you, I'm going to post this on the internet. (Don't worry about what that is, you'll know in about 10 years. You will also start downloading mp3 files loooong before Apple invents the iPod, which makes you a little bit really hip in your twenties.)

BAHAHAHAHAHA

XOXOXOXOXO

Old Cindy

As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. Do you have life lessons that would have helped you through a difficult time? Share those with The Band as you write a letter to your younger self.

Dear Young Me,

I've started this letter so many times. There is SO MUCH I wish I could tell you that I'm not sure where to begin.

You meet your husband in high school. You two will break each other's hearts over and over again because neither one of you knows how to have a healthy relationship.

You'll figure it out eventually, but you'll wish you had insisted on marriage counseling - and personal counseling for each of you - long before you are staring at divorce papers. 

You don't fit in where you are at right now. Despite how hard you try, the religious conservative scene just isn't right for you. It doesn't match what your heart knows to be true. And that's okay. 

Depression sucks, I know. Currently, you're skipping your medication and refusing to participate in therapy. Your method of "managing" your depression is self-harm.

Self-harm makes you feel good right now, but it's a temporary relief. You'll find yourself going to greater and greater lengths to get that brief moment of peace. Please find a way to stop hurting yourself sooner, rather than later.

You're going to struggle with mental illness in some form (postpartum depression, antepartum depression, plain ol' depression, and let's not forget your problems with anxiety and PTSD!) or other for a really long time. Maybe for the rest of your life. Please make peace with that so that you can get to work on managing it in a healthy way.

There will be times when you almost give up on life. Remember: depression lies. You have so much more to live for than you think you do.

Learn to live within your means, and save as much money as you can. You're going to be dealing with a lot of unemployment in the future. You'll wind up doing things that you never dreamed of - like seeking government aid - just to survive poverty. Again, that's okay. You should not be ashamed of needing help - ever.

I'd tell you about the AMAZING children you're going to have, the close friends you'll find, and all the great things that happen, but: spoilers!

Remember to look for the glitter in the midst of the bad things, and hang in there. It does get better.

Love,

     Your Future Self 

As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. Do you have life lessons that would have helped you through a difficult time? Share those with The Band as you write a letter to your younger self.

Dear 16-year-old me,

Things have been changing recently, and you haven't really figured out why. I know how scared and unhappy you are, and how alone you feel right now. That's the first thing I want to tell you.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Talk to the people around you, you will wish you'd done it sooner. No matter how terrifying that first step seems, follow your instincts. You are putting your trust into the right people, and they will help you more than you could have imagined.

And don't underestimate the power of hugs - there are times when they are better than words.

I have to warn you, the next few years will be both the best of times and the worst of times.

You will create and sustain friendships with a few very special people who will get you through your lowest points, and celebrate with you when things are good.

Don't let any of those important people go. You need each other more than you realize.

You will hit rock bottom several times, but you will ALWAYS make it through. You are so much stronger than you believe and, when you feel like giving up, that stubborn streak of yours will stand you in good stead.

Cherish that determination - it won't be long before it's the only thing you have to remember your much-loved granny. She fought right until the end, too.

Keep working hard at school, little one - it will take you to some fantastic places.

But don't put too much pressure on yourself, you are only human, after all.

When help is offered, take it. Don't let your pride hold you back, and be honest with those who care about you.

Enjoy the fantastic experiences that the next few years will throw at you, and remember, however bad things seem, you can do it. 

Keep trying, it will be worth it in the end.

I am so proud of you.

All my love,

Maggie

xx