Miscarriage

Secondary infertility can occur as a result of illness, certain types of lifestyle choices, or by damage to the reproductive system.

This is her story.

I know, you read that title and are all “whaaa??” Unfortunately that is what happened to me after my fourth and final pregnancy. I’ve been pregnant four times and have one living child.

My first pregnancy was completely uneventful and totally successful. I gave birth to a wonderful baby girl in May of 2006. She is the light of my life and it goes without saying that I love her more fiercely than I’ve ever loved anyone.

My second pregnancy, in June of 2007, ended in a “planned” termination. I chose the word planned because it was a decision that my husband and I made together. It was undoubtedly the hardest decision of my life. I had to do what was right for me and my family at that time in our lives.

My third pregnancy in December of 2010 was my first ectopic pregnancy.

I started spotting four days after I got a positive home pregnancy test. I called the doctor’s office and for the two weeks following that positive pregnancy test I went every other day to the doctor’s office for a blood draw to check for increasing hormone levels and for intermittent ultrasounds to try and find the pregnancy. My levels increased, not at the normal rate but they were increasing. However, in all the ultrasounds that I had done the pregnancy was never found.

Late one Saturday night I began to have severe cramping and went to the ER right away. After thorough exams and an extremely painful ultrasound it was determined that I was going to need emergency surgery. Right then. At 3:30 in the morning.

I was alone and scared. A few hours after the operation, when I was in a not so drugged state, I was told that my body was trying to expel the pregnancy and I was beginning to bleed internally from the damage. The result of the surgery was not only the loss of my third pregnancy but the loss of my right ovary and fallopian tube.

My fourth pregnancy in August of 2011 was my second ectopic and final pregnancy. Again like the first ectopic I starting having severe cramping a couple of weeks after my positive home test and headed to the ER. Unfortunately the timing of this couldn't have been worse; the day I went to the ER and found out that I was again having an ectopic pregnancy was the due date of the baby I lost from the first ectopic in December.

Fortunately this ectopic was found right away on the ultrasound that was done in the ER. Since this pregnancy was found and could be clearly diagnosed as an ectopic I did have the option of receiving an injection to terminate the unsuccessful pregnancy. The doctor and I chose the shot because of the fact that another surgery could be risky and I stood a chance of losing my remaining tube.

In hindsight opting for the shot was by far, for me, the worst decision. After receiving the shot I had to have weekly blood draw appointments at my doctor’s office to make sure the hormone levels came down to zero. I went to these appointments for seven weeks after the shot was given. Each week was a reminder of the failure of my reproductive system. The failure of myself as a woman.

A few months after my second ectopic pregnancy I elected to have an IUD placed. After the placement a routine ultrasound was performed and my doctor found something “odd” near my remaining ovary.

After an additional ultrasound was performed four weeks later it was determined that I had a couple ovarian cysts, that we would keep an eye on them and that they would probably go away. They didn’t go away. Seven months later I found myself faced with the decision of having surgery to go in and clean out the cysts. My doctor and I were hesitant to go the surgery route because of the risks. I ultimately chose to move forward with the surgery as I just wanted this nightmare to be over.

As a result of the operation in May of 2012 a damaged - damage sustained from the previous ectopic pregnancy - portion of my remaining left fallopian tube was removed. The portion of the remaining tube was “clipped” off as they would do in a tubal ligation. My doctor knew my wishes going into surgery and she did discuss this with my husband prior to completing the ligation and I am glad that she made that final determination.

I ended up not having ovarian cysts but rather small pockets of damaged tubal tissue that had filled with fluid. Those were also removed.

It took a total of five years to get here but I am now at a point in my life where I will no longer be able to have any more biological children. I never thought this day would come. Even as a child I dreamed of being a mom to many children. Adoption is not totally out of the question but for now I need time for my soul to heal.

What I do have now are answers and closure. This door has closed but perhaps another one will open. I can take this information and move forward with my life and be the best possible mom to the one child I do have.

When I was a little girl, I loved playing the game of Life.

My heart would skip a beat and I would get so excited when I would land on spaces that said, “Congratulations it's a boy,” or “Congratulations it's a girl,” or, my favorite, “Congratulations you are having twins!” I fantasized about what names I would give my children and I would daydream of being a mommy. 

I've always been the mothering type. Whether it be mothering my friends and being nicknamed “Mom” by everyone or whether it was helping to raise my two little sisters due to having alcoholism in my family.

I'll never forget the first time I received a Mother’s Day Card from one of my little sisters. She thanked me for everything I had done for her – taking her to doctor appointments, registering her for school, driving her to school dances. Being recognized in that way touched me so very much and really made me feel like I was a mother for the first time. It was an amazing feeling I will never forget.

I met and fell in love with my husband in 2004. We were married three years later and soon we adopted a furry-child – a golden retriever we named Murphy. He quickly became exactly that – a furry-child. He was the center of our lives and I got to practice my mothering skills on him. He was a willing participant and he enjoyed the long walks, the birthday parties, the photo cards I made with his picture on them, and the professional family pictures we had taken with him every Christmas. 

They say that the first step toward starting your family is adopting a pet so it was only natural that we started trying for our first child soon after Murphy came into our lives. We adopted Murphy in April of 2008 and we became pregnant in October of the same year.

To say we were overjoyed is the understatement of the year; we were over the moon happy. Jason and I didn't hide our excitement from our family. We told them when we were seven weeks along. Shortly thereafter, I started spotting. I lost our first baby at eight weeks along, in our home. I was devastated. I took a week off of work to grieve the loss of my pregnancy, of my baby. I started blogging; it became excellent therapy for me by allowing me to journal my feelings. It provided the outlet I needed so very much. 

The little outfits I had bought prematurely went into a chest of drawers – tucked away out of sight. The picture of our ultrasound when we saw the flutter of a little heartbeat went into a frame and was displayed on my dresser. We knew we would try again, but we waited three months like the doctor advised. I thought we would get pregnant right away again, but it was nine months before I saw the faint line on the pregnancy test that told me I had a positive reading. We were pregnant again! Oh, how I hoped and prayed that God would bless us and would allow us to raise this child. 

My pregnancy was very difficult, both physically and mentally. I was very sick for the first 16 weeks. I worried all of the time – about everything – due to my earlier miscarriage. I was hospitalized twice for dehydration; I became anemic and was diagnosed with asthma, as well.

I went into preterm labor at 35 weeks and was put on bed rest. I was so swollen during the last part of my pregnancy that I had to place ice packs on my legs and feet. I did everything the doctor told me to do. My sole purpose at that time was to be everything I needed to be for my baby in order to get him here safely.

Through it all, I was still a happy pregnant woman. I was definitely ready to be a mommy. I read all of the books and took several classes to prepare for the arrival of our baby boy. I bought little outfits and had three showers to welcome our baby. I sanitized every bottle, every toy, and washed every piece of clothing while I was nesting.

After the early labor was stopped, my son became so comfortable, we had to schedule an induction. We went to the hospital early in the morning of August 10, 2010.  My husband and I couldn't have been more excited to become parents.

My labor was long and it was trying.  I was in labor for fourteen and a half hours and pushed for an hour and a half and still hadn't delivered. The doctor discovered that our son was too big for me to deliver, so they wheeled me in for an emergency Cesarean section. The doctor prepped me and it wasn't long before I could hear the cries of my newborn son, Landon Jason. I was so happy that he was finally here and he was healthy and perfect. The nurse brought Landon over to me and I was able to look at him for the first time.

He was beautiful. 

We took our first family photo and he was swept back into the nursery. I was happy, but worried because I hadn't shed a single tear - I'm usually very emotional. What I didn't know is that I was emotionally detached. I was beginning my battle, my own personal war with postpartum psychosis and postpartum depression. 

Postpartum psychosis is a monster.  

It comes on sudden, takes its powerful hold, and strips you of everything you have ever known yourself to be. I started displaying symptoms almost right away. My husband and I had never heard of postpartum psychosis, so we were ill prepared. I couldn't sleep. When I did, I had terrifying dreams that led me to fear sleep. I was obsessed with keeping schedules of diaper changes, visitors, breastfeeding - you name it and I developed a schedule for it.

I thought I was dying.

I was so afraid that something was going to happen to me, that I would leave my husband without a wife and my son without a mother. At one point, I was left home alone with my son (he was five days old) and I was pacing back and forth. I didn't know what to do. The voices in my head were telling me to do crazy things and I knew – somehow – that my son was not safe with me.

I made the choice and called my mother and told her to get to the house right away. I had my psychotic break at home, scaring my husband and family enough that they had to call 911. At that time, I was a danger to myself. By the grace of God, I did not harm myself and I never did want to harm my son. I thank God every day that I never wanted to harm my son. 

My husband admitted me to the hospital against my will. I was hospitalized for seven nights and eight days; it wasn't long enough. During my hospital stay, I had to start the process of piecing myself back together again – just like a puzzle. I was separated from my son during my hospitalization, which was difficult. I was so happy when I found out that they had little bottles of baby shampoo. I carried that around with me and smelled it whenever I really missed my boy. I wanted more than anything to be “the old Tina” – to be a good mom – to be a good wife. I could not believe that I had finally been blessed with a child, but was so very sick that I could not enjoy the first part of my son’s life. 

Postpartum psychosis robbed me of that.

When I was released from the hospital, I found I was still terrified to be alone with my son. I didn't have any self-esteem and I didn't believe in myself as a mother.  I thought that everyone else could do a better job than I could do and Landon didn't need me. I felt so hopeless and the suicidal thoughts began. I formed a plan; my husband and Landon are the two things that stopped me from carrying out that plan. I couldn't allow my husband to be the one to discover my body. Thank God I didn't remain silent and shared what I was thinking.

I was hospitalized again, but this time for only four days. It wasn't long before I went back to work. I was still unstable, but coping. I was on another mix of medications and seeing my psychiatrist regularly. I quickly discovered that I had gone back to work too soon. It was overwhelming and I felt like I was failing as a wife, as a mother, and as an employee. I felt so worthless; the feelings of hopelessness and despair returned along with the suicidal thoughts. I had to take a leave of absence from work and returned to the hospital. We went with a different hospital this time along with a different psychiatrist. I stayed for eight days -it was the longest stay and most beneficial.

I haven't returned to the hospital since.

I've really started enjoying my son. I still feel guilt and shame over missing out on the first two months of his life.  I was there for some of it physically, but mentally I was checked out completely. Since I've begun the journey of healing and finding myself again, I've really enjoyed motherhood. My son is happy and healthy. He is surrounded by love and I could not ask for anything more than that.

Please, know that if you are suffering from postpartum illness that you are not alone. There are many women who have experienced it. We've survived it. We have made it to the other side.

Life can be and will be good again and you will look forward to your tomorrows again. 

Just for today, live life moment to moment. Celebrate taking a shower, doing the dishes, getting grocery shopping done. All of the little moments help in the healing process and help to pull you out of that depression. You are going to be okay. 

And you ARE a good mother.

The creation of human life is one of the most complex and shockingly beautiful things that our bodies are designed to do. The microanatomy that goes into this task is so astonishingly complicated that it's a miracle any of us walk around at all.

And yet, most of us do. Most...but not all.

When a baby dies, we are fragmented. Shattered, we must pick up the pieces and put them back together as we pay tribute to our children, our tables forever missing one, our families incomplete, our treasures in heaven, our babies alive only in our hearts. It is through our stories that they live forever. These children were here and they mattered.

They were loved.

They are loved.

If you'd like to add your baby's name to our Wall of Remembrance, please fill this out so we can properly remember your lost little one.

There are some dates that will forever stick in my mind.

January 2, 1999 - a date I can't seem to forget. That was the day my first husband and I officially started trying to have a baby.

Eight and a half years later, we were getting divorced. While we'd been able to adopt a beautiful little girl, I still hadn't been able to experience my dream of being pregnant and giving birth.

Eventually, I met an amazing man who made me laugh; a wonderful father to my little girl. We had a whirlwind romance and were married just seven months and one day after our first date. We started trying for a child of our own right away.

January 1, 2009 - exactly ten years after I had first started trying to have a child, I was finally pregnant! My dream had finally come true!

The pregnancy was over-the-top from the very beginning. The morning after conception, I almost threw up on my husband when kissing him good morning. Pregnancy symptoms aren't supposed to show up that early.

Things were calm again until twelve days later when the morning sickness began, which was followed by the extremely strong sense of smell. I developed Restless Leg Syndrome. To my amusement, I also craved fresh raspberries and a very specific fast food burrito.

My ultrasound was scheduled for February 2, six weeks into my pregnancy. My husband met me at the office, where we held hands and waited excitedly for our first glimpse of our new baby.

The ultrasound tech was very professional, but she hardly spoke. She didn't say what she was (or wasn't) seeing. The more time that passed without her speaking, the more nervous I became. After a while, she told us that she was having some issues - she needed to bring in the radiologist.

He came in, moved the wand around on my belly, and finally gave us the bad news: they weren't able to find the baby. I was sent upstairs to my doctor's office. She was sympathetic, but told me I should prepare for a miscarriage.

I knew I couldn't just accept that. I'd lose my mind if I just sat there, waiting for everything to be over. I turned to the Internet where I discovered stories of misdiagnosed miscarriages. I clung to the hope that they'd all been wrong; that my baby was going to be fine.

Exactly one week later, on February 9^th, the spotting started. I tried to deny it for the first day, but when it turned to full-on bleeding, I had to admit that I was losing my baby.

To say I was "devastated" was a gross understatement - I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think.

Obsessively, I went into the bathroom once an hour. I was horrified by the idea of passing my baby's tiny little body into a toilet. I searched through every clot, every little bit of tissue hoping to find something, ANYTHING that I might be able to bury. Realistically, I knew that any traces of my baby's body would be microscopic, but I couldn't stop myself.

The pregnancy symptoms stuck around for two weeks while I continued to bleed. I felt insulted and betrayed by my body. There was not going to be a baby at the end of it all, but my body continued to make me feel I was still pregnant.

But worst of all was the immense feeling of being alone.

My sweet husband was so loving and caring, but it didn't seem like he was bothered at all by the loss of our child. Women at church were kind; some of them even mentioned having miscarriages of their own. But they would talk about it like it was the common cold. Didn't ANYONE understand how tragic this was for me? After ten years of waiting and dreaming, I'd finally gotten pregnant only to lose it quickly.

After a couple of weeks, a woman I didn't know very well called me. She said she had been thinking of me; she'd been meaning to bring by a meal, but had been very busy. She choked up while telling me about a miscarriage she had suffered through between her second - and third - children.

She offered to have a pizza and salad sent to our home so I wouldn't have to cook that night. She gave me advice on how I could deal with the stress and mood swings. I finally felt like someone else got it.

Later, I found an online support group who were a great help. But the biggest help was when my husband admitted that he was terribly upset by it. He'd been afraid to let me see how hurt he was because he didn't want to make me feel worse.

I needed a memorial.

I needed something to cling to when I couldn't handle it anymore. During those very short, few weeks, I'd rub my belly whenever I felt the need to feel attached to my baby. But now there was no connection at all. I found a website that sold memorial jewelry and selected a small forget-me-not flower pendant. When the necklace finally arrived, I had something to cling to again.

It took therapy and a lot of time for me to feel better. But even now, more than three years later, and after the birth of our adorable little boy, I almost never take my necklace off, and I still hold on to it when I think of my lost little one.

And I still cry when I think about it.

The light of a distant star continues to reach the Earth long after the star itself is gone.

- Author Unknown

Today, October 15, 2012, we pause to remember the stars of our soul that were extinguished far too early.

To the parents who are missing their babies today and always, The Band sends our love and prayers.

To our babies, the babies who never got to experience the joys of Earth and whose lives were cut very short, we miss you.

We miss you. More than anyone can ever know. We wish we could have one more moment - one single moment - with you, as if we can't have a lifetime with you.

Today, we honor the short lives of some of the brightest souls, souls that have touched many and have taught us to cherish all of life's moments.

If you'd like to add your little lost soul to our wall, please enter your information here as we at The Band will be adding the names of your wee stars to our wall.

To our babies who we carry in our hearts, instead of our arms, we will never forget you.

Love,

Aunt Becky

Band Back Together's Wall of Remembrance:

Miscarriage:

Ally's Baby:

• Mary Katerina, miscarriage March 13, 2008.

Amanda's Baby:

• September 23, 2010, miscarriage.

Amanda and John's Babies:

• Juliana, July 2008, miscarriage.
• Charlie, November 2009, miscarriage.
• Samantha, March 2010, miscarriage.

Ameila's Babies:

• Her 3 Littles, December 23, 2010, missed miscarriage/June 2011, miscarriage/December 6, 2011, Autosomal Recessive Polycysitic Kidney Disease

Another Becky's Baby:

• Baby Savu, August 2004 missed miscarriage between 3rd and 4th month.

Ashleigh's Baby:

• Baby Garrett, September 13 2012, Miscarriage

Aunt Becky's Babies:

• February, 2008, Baby 1, miscarriage.
• March, 2008, Baby 2, miscarriage.

Baby Boy, February 15, 2000, miscarriage.

Baby Ian, pregnant October 2011, unpregnant January 2012, ectopic pregnancy.

Baby KJ, July 15, 2008, miscarriage.

Baby Moll, June 13, 2005, miscarriage.

Baby Noah Walter, January 2012, miscarriage.

Barbara's Babies:

• Malcolm, January 2008, miscarriage.
• Ophelia, April 2009, miscarriage.

Blazngfrye's Babies:

• Caden, miscarriage, May 1989.
• Aubrey, miscarriage, December 1993.

Courtney's Baby:

• Kaycie, miscarriage, 6/14/2011.

Dawn's Baby:

• Baby Jones #1, February 2007, miscarriage at 12 weeks due to blighted ovum (Empty Gestational Sac).

Debbie's Babies:

• Michelle, November 1991, miscarriage 
• 2 babies, miscarried in 1994 and 1999.

Elsie's Ten Possibilities:

• Nine Embies, 2008
• Lola, 2011

Erin's Babies:

• Baby 1, September 2006, miscarriage.
• Baby 2, January 2007, miscarriage.
• Baby Girl 1, December 2008, late miscarriage.
• Baby Girl 2, August 17, 2009, born still at 18 weeks.

Ewokmama's Baby:

• March 2005, miscarriage at 13 weeks.

Fibi's Baby:

• Biscuit, July 18, 2012, miscarriage.

Heather's Babies:

• Unnamed baby, 6w1d, September 18, 2010, miscarriage.
• Unnamed baby, 6w2d, June 22, 2011, miscarriage.
• Unnamed baby, 5w, August 15, 2011, miscarriage.

Her Almost:

• Pregnant in December, 2007. Unpregnant by February, 2008.

Her Highness:

• Forget Me Not #1, February 2008, miscarriage.
• Forget Me Not #2, January 2012, miscarriage.

Hubbit:

• Two boys.

InDueTime's Baby:

• Baby M, September 10, 2011, miscarriage.

Jenna's Daughter:

• Stella, February 13, 2011, miscarriage.

Jennifer's Baby:

• June 8, 2008, early miscarriage.

Joules' Babies:

• November 2007, early miscarriage
• November 2011, early miscarriage

Justine and Boo's Baby:

• June 2009, miscarriage.

Kallay and Ryan's Baby: 

• Baby C lost to a partial miscarriage, May 17, 2010. Baby C is survived by twin sisters, Lily and Molly who were born on December 7, 2010.

Kate's Babies:

• Mari Elizabeth, September 2003, miscarriage
• Noah Douglas, October 2004, miscarriage.
• Twin Angels, July 2006, miscarriages.

Kathryn's Baby:

• Rebecca, June 3, 1995, miscarriage.

Katie's Babies:

• Baby Sluiter A, April 2007, miscarriage.
• Baby Sluiter B, May 2008, miscarriage.

Kelly's Daughter:

• Lola, October 9, 2012, miscarriage.

Kelly and Brad's daughter:

• Lily Catherine, February 18, 2010, miscarriage.

Kelly's Babies:

• Baby 1, April 2003, miscarriage.
• Baby 2, October 2004, miscarriage.
• Baby 3, February 2006, miscarriage.

Kendra Pocock's Baby:

• Baby JJ Pocock, July 13 2012, Miscarriage/Ectopic Pregnancy

Kim's Baby:

• Baby, October 1996, miscarriage.

Krista's Babies:

• Baby One, son late term miscarriage at 15 weeks.
• Baby Two, second-trimester miscarriage at 14 weeks.
• Baby Three: miscarriage, 11 weeks.
• Baby Four: miscarriage, 13 weeks
• Baby Five, late miscarriage, 16 weeks.

Kristin's babies:

• Eva, miscarriage
• 7 other babies lost through miscarriage due to luteal phase disorder and clotting disorder.

Lara and Brandon's Son:

• Tallon, August 14, 2011.

Lauren C's Angels:

• Baby, August 27, 2007, miscarriage.
• Baby Boy, January 13, 2011, miscarriage.
• Baby May 9, 2011, miscarriage.

Leah's Babies:

• Cameron, born and died May 22, 2009 at 10 weeks.
• Jeremiah Oliver and Jillian Olivia, twin babies. Second trimester loss July 9, 2010 and July 14, 2010 respectively.

Lisa's Baby:

• July 1994, ectopic pregnancy resulting in emergency surgery.

Lisa's Baby:

• Natasha Anastasia, September 7, 2011, miscarriage.

Maresi's Baby:

• Baby B #3, September 1, 2011, miscarriage at 5 weeks.

Marlowe Corrine, September 19, 2006, early miscarriage.

Melissa's Baby

• June 11, 2011, miscarriage

Mindy's Three Angels:

• Angel One, September 9, 2005, miscarriage.
• Angel Two, July 17, 2007, miscarriage.
• Angel Three, September 25, 2010, miscarriage.

Miranda's Baby:

• Peanut, August 7, 2011, miscarriage.

Natalie's Baby:

• Baby One, February 2, 2011, miscarriage.

Natalie's Baby:

• Hosanna Joy, June 18, 2011, early miscarriage.

Nicole's Baby:

• Cody Ryan-Price Grodan, February 14, 2012, miscarriage, 12 weeks.

Nicole and Jake's baby:

• Baby One, September 19, 2011, miscarriage.

Rachel and Jesse:

• Babies due Aug 2008 and November 2010. Both lost to miscarriage.

Rachel's Baby:

• Alivia Mason, March 21, 2012, miscarriage.

Renee's Babies:

• Isaac Ephraim, miscarriage August 2006.
• Isaiah Jeremiah, miscarriage January 2007.
• Ella Alicea, ectopic pregnancy June 2009.

Sarah's Baby:

• September 2006, miscarriage.

Sarah's Babies:

• April 12, 2002, miscarriage.
• September 3, 2008, miscarriage.

Susie's Baby:

• Baby #3, June 2000, miscarriage from a blighted ovum.

Suzanne's children:

• Athena Rose Moore, Girl Twin B

Tammy's Baby:

• October 1990, miscarriage.

Three Angels: September, 2002, July 17, September 25. Miscarriages.

Tiffany's Babies:

• 2008, Little Soul 1, 2008, ectopic pregnancy.
• 2009, Little Soul 2, 2009, ectopic pregnancy.

Yvette's Son:

• Sean Michael, April 14, 1987, miscarriage.

Stillbirth:

Allyson's Son:

• Nolan "Shepherd," stillborn at 17 weeks on September 15, 2009.

Angie's Daughter:

• Madeleine Rose, stillborn July 7, 2009 due to incompetent cervix and uterine infection.

Ann's Son:

• Orion, stillborn May 8, 2004

Beka's Son:

• Benjamin, September 4, 2012, stillbirth.

Beryl's Daughter:

• Bella Rose, stillborn on September 9, 2009.

Brenda's Son:

• Emerson Allen Behrends, July 10, 2001, stillborn.

Debbie's Son:

• Jonathan Edward, June 4, 1992, stillborn.

Debbie And Jeff's Daughter:

• Chloe Eva, September 12, 2008, stillbirth.

Heather and David's Daughter:

• Clara Edith, July 1, 2012, Stillbirth at 42 weeks, 3 days due to meconium aspiration and uterine infection.

Leslie's Son:

• Cullen Liam, born still September 11, 2010.

Lilla and Gareth's daughter:

• Pippa, born still on February 13, 2011 from listeria infection.

Louise and Joseph's Baby:

• Alice Mathelin, born still on February 25, 2011, at 36 weeks and 5 days from Abruptio Placentae

Martha's Twin Boys:

• Owen died March 8, 2008 because his cord wasn't properly attached to the placenta.
• Joshua died one month later, April 6, 2008 because he couldn't live without his brother. Both were born still on April 8, 2008.

Melanie's Daughter:

• Summer Lily, born still March 30, 2011.

Mel's Daughter:

• Jordan Ala, stillborn on November 13, 2006.

Sarah's Daughter:

• Audrey Elizabeth, August 7, 1998, born still.

Selah Mae: born January 22, 2002, stillborn.

Stephanie's Son:

• Carter Austin Ross, March 18, 2006, stillbirth due to an umbilical cord anomaly.

TiaMaria's Daughter:

• Isabella-Rose Elizabeth, October 12, 2009, stillbirth.

Prematurity:

Amy and James's Babies:

• Jacob Bennett born and died on July 11, 2007 due to premature rupture of membranes (PROM).
• Samantha Lauren born August 16, 2011 at 23.5 weeks passed away September 17th due to extreme prematurity and fungal meningitis.

Baby Helen: Born July, 1993. Passed from prematurity.

Celeste's Son:

• Christopher Robin Cote: Born September 25, 2009. Stillborn due to premature rupture of membranes and incompetent cervix.

Christine's Son:

• Jellybean, born at 5:20 April 15th, 2009; and passed just four short hours later in her arms.

Heather and Aaron's Son:

• Aodin R. Hurd, October 7, 2007, born still due to premature rupture of the membranes.

Kate's Babies:

• Baby S, March 2008, Miscarriage
• Evie, December 14, 2009, Triplet Prematurity
• Jack, December 22, 2009, Triplet Stillbirth due to Prematurity
• Will, January 13, 2010, Triplet Prematurity
• Baby M, May 2010, Miscarriage

Kristin's Baby (Mama KK):

• Ariel Grace, born on July 28, 2009 at 18 weeks 5 days. Lived 5 minutes.

Leleisme's Babies:

• Ayla and Juliet, October 20, 2009 at 20 weeks.
• Bayli and Thomas on June 8, 2011 at 21 weeks 2 days.

Matthew Chase Sims: April 25th, 2006 due to prematurity.

Melissa's Son:

• Born at 21 weeks in June 2011 due to a bacterial infection, lived for 30 minutes.

Nicky's Son:

• Samuel, August 8, 2001, prematurity.

Nina's Son:

• Coleman Parker Garibay, September 14, 2005, lost at 6 months gestation and passed from prematurity.

Paula's Baby:

• Reya, September 18 2011, Prematurity due to extreme Pre-eclempsia 

Yvette's Son:

• Erik Richard, July 29, 1981, prematurity.

Birth Defects:

Aaron and Kristine's Son:

• Luke Ervin Seitz, born July 21, 2011 with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and passed on June 28, 2011.

Amy's Babies:

• Mateo, Anthony, and Ian born on May 6, 2008 at 23 weeks and 3 days.
• Mateo was born still.
• Anthony passed away from Transposition of the Great Vessels.
• Ian passed away after a short stay in the NICU.

Avaleigh: July 25, 2011, born still due to Down Syndrome.

Baby Anissa, born December 2, 2008, stillbirth from birth defects.

Baby Khalil, born August 14, 2009, stillborn, born still from birth defects.

Beth's Son:

• Ethan Connor Brockwell, May 3, 2006 - August 17, 2006. Born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.

Christopher: November 4, 1979, due to pulmonary atresia, a congenital heart defect.

Christopher's Son:

• Aidan, born with brain malformation on December 16, 2008 and passed on December 19, 2008.

Cora Mae McCormick:

• November 30, 2009 to December 6, 2009 from a congenital heart defect.

Ellen's Son:

• Shane Michael, born October 10, 1971 and died October 11, 1971 from heart complications before his mother could wake from anesthesia. She never saw or held him.

Julie's Daughter:

• Brianna Elizabeth, born January 29, 1998 and died March 7, 1998 from a heart defect.

Kathryn's Son:

• Seth Douglas Bonnett, Our Little "Tough guy", March 27, 2008 - October 12, 2008. Died from Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.

Raquel's Son:

• Austin Skylar Gregory, born July 3, 2005 and gained his wings August 29, 2005 from Multiple Complex Congenital Heart Defects.

Ruth's Son:

• Corbin Walker, born February 20, 2011 and died May 17, 2011 from heart defects brought on by Williams Syndrome.

Shannon's Baby: 

• Chloe Walker, born November 29, 2000 and died June 4, 2001 from multiple congenital heart defects and heterotaxy.

Suzy's Son:

• Starbaby, born still February 2008 due to Trisomy 18.

Venita's Son:

• Matthew Connor - February 26, 2005, born at 26 weeks, passed from Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC).

Wendy's Baby: 

• Reed Allyvion Miners, passed away July 5th 2003 at one hour old from Primary Myocardial Disease, a congenital heart defect.

Infant Loss:

Amy's Sons:

• Nathaniel, born August 24, 2001 and died August 29, 2001 from an undiagnosed metabolic disorder.
• David, born May 11, 2010 and Died January 24, 2011 from a myriad of complications resulting from a liver transplant.

Angie's Daughter:

• Leia Sky Williams, born October 6, 2011, passed away from Group Beta Strep.

Baby Dominic:

• January 16, 2002, SIDS

Baby Kash Michael:

• Born June 3, 2011 and died September 28, 2011.

Carey's Triplet Sons:

• Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar, June 4th, 2011, born at 22 weeks due to of E. coli infection.

Cecily's Sons:

• Nicholas and Zachary, October 27th, 2004.

Heather and Joe's Twins:

• Jonathan Michael and Samuel Joseph, identical twins born alive and died on May 6, 2004 from extreme prematurity and twin-to-twin transfusion.

Jana's Son:

• Charlie: Born May 21, 2003 and died June 14, 2003 from late-onset Group B Strep.

JennK's Son:

• Will, born (today) October 15, 2002 and died on September 16, 2003 from complications of late-onset Group B Strep.

Jenni's Babies:

• Malakai Zachary born still March 10, 2007 due to Anencephaly.
• Five more angels, July, 2007 - May, 2010. Miscarriages.

Kara's Daughter:

• Catherine Grace, born August 10, 2012, passed August 12, 2012, due to prematurity brought on by HELLP syndrome.

Lisa's Daughter:

• Kaitlyn Grace, born sleeping at 38 weeks on Saturday, May 13th, 1995. Died from a true knot in her umbilical cord.

Matt and Lauren's Baby:

• Isla, born 14 weeks premature on August 23, 2011 and died on October 10, 2011.

Rachel's Daughter:

• Mina Kathryn, born February 18, 2009, died February 24, 2009, due to complications with her PICC line.

Scribbles412's Baby:

• Baby R, May 24, 1998, Medicine Administration by RN who didn't know or ask. 

Stephanie's Son:

• Silas, prematurity.

Venita's Son:

• Matthew Conner Webb, born January 11, 2005 and died February 26, 2005. He was born at 26 weeks and faced many obstacles in his short life.

Child Loss:

Aimee's Babies:

• Ziggy Ann born sleeping on January 21, 2009.
• Frank born sleeping May 21, 2010.
• Liberty Ann born March 30, 2011 and died on April 19, 2011.

 Ally's Son: Collin

•  Collin: born on August 9th, 2008. He passed away 30 minutes later from cardiac arrest after an emergency c-section due to a placental abruption.

Amy's Baby:

• Nicholas, born December 14, 2005, died April 19, 2006 from SIDS.

Claudia's Son:

• Max Corrigan, born November 14, 1987 and relinquished to adoption on November 18, 1987.

Colleen's Babies:

• Bryce Philip born May 26, 2009 and died September 1, 2009 due to SIDS
• Ashton Karol, stillborn on February 24, 2010 at 17 weeks.

Jenny's Daughter:

• Addison Leah, June 13, 2008, accidental death.

Jessica and Mark's Daughter:

• Hadley Jane, born October 9, 2001 and died October 11, 2007.

Lanie's Sons:

• Jake, born August 14, 2005 died August 27, 2005 due to prematurity and hydrops.
• Sawyer, born November 17, 2009 died December 26, 2009. His cause of death has not been determined because he is part of a study at the Mayo clinic for heart arrhythmias - SIUDS (unexplained sudden infant death)

Leslie's Son:

• Cullen, September 11, 2010, stillbirth.

Mindy's Son:

• Brian Vitale, accidental death, September 4, 2007 - June 3, 2010. We miss him more and more each day.

Nancy's Son:

• Patrick, born April 10, 1977, Adoption

Pharon's Daughter:

• Sophia Lu Boudreau, born December 21, 2006 and died October 9, 2007 from SIDS.

Rebecca and TJ's son:

• Rafe Theobald Calvert, born on October 11th, 2009 at 26 weeks. Spent 3 months in the NICU and underwent an intestinal obstruction repair. He was released on January 11th, 2010 and we brought him home for 6 weeks. He passed away at 4 and a half months old from SIDS on February 25th, 2010.

The Stamm's Daughter:

• Adrienne Mae, May 7, 2006, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Suzie's Son:

• Nathan Michael King, died from SIDS November 2008.

Vanessa's Daughter:

• Kendra, April 23, 2005 to March 24, 2006. Died from Jacobsen Syndrome.

--------------

Read about how to help a friend through miscarriage.

Read about what to say to someone who has lost a child.

I'm a teacher who works an alternative school where I have the honor of teaching horny teens about sex - how to not have sex and how to have safe sex if you're going to have it. A new child - one who had gone to school where my husband teaches - entered our program.

My husband and I are both very open and honest about our experience in which our baby died, so this child knew about our loss.

This boy asked me, "So, you have a baby in your belly."

"Yes, I do," I replied, currently pregnant with our fourth child.

"Well," he asked. "The baby - not this one - but the one before. It was supposed to come, but didn't. Why?"

This child is thirteen and has only been in the country for two years. I didn't see where the conversation was going until it went there.

And I felt like I smashed my face into a brick wall.

Thankfully, I'm open to talking about baby loss, so I was able to handle this conversation. I felt my co-worker behind me, holding her breath, not knowing for sure if I could handle talking about losing our son.

"Yes," I replied. "We had a baby die." 

With those words, the room became quiet. 

"Our baby was sick and we didn't know it; no one knew it. And he didn't make it."

He told me that he was sorry for our loss, sorry for bringing it up. Others quietly chimed in with condolences, as freaked-out pre-teens do. 

A discussion broke out.

Out of the nine kids in the room, three spoke about knowing someone whose baby died.

"My aunt had a baby die in her belly."

"My mom had a baby die in her tummy before me."

"My sister had a baby die in her tummy, too, but I was too little to remember."

I gave the kids my quick-run down about how this happens sometimes; that it's sad; how it always hurts - about as in-depth as it could be with that group of children. Honestly, I was happy how it went.  

Until later. 

But it had nothing to do with the kids I teach; it was my kids I began thinking about.

I've always known that our baby wasn't "real" in the eyes of some. To many, he's never mentioned. To others, he doesn't count as a child; people discuss the number kids I have without adding him to the count. 

It feels like slowly ripping off a Band-Aid... it hurts and keeps hurting - a slow hurt that never feels any better.  Of course, a Band-Aid comes off eventually. The dead baby Band-Aid is more like duct tape covering your entire body with millions of layers.

It never ends.

But in all of my thoughts of who knows of his existence and who doesn't, I felt good knowing that our little family bubble knew he existed. But I was suddenly hit with a view of the future. When I talk, I say Joel died. When my living kids grow up, it won't be "my brother, Joel, died."  It'll be another kid who says "my mom had a baby die in her belly." No matter what I do or say, my kids will never know Joel.

Hell, I didn't KNOW him but I knew of him what I could. 

My eldest son, who was only 18 months at the time, has no memory of Mommy being pregnant.  My not-even 2 year old, who was born after Joel, obviously has no idea.  This baby in my belly now will be the same. They won't know Joel. They won't have a connection. They will simply know it's something that hurts us.

I'm not sure why this bothers me. 

It's unfair to expect my other kids to have some bond with a child that only my husband and I truly have a bond to. I know this and I'm not angry; I don't fault my kids. But it's just another reminder that my son, my Joel, is nothing more than a passing story in the eyes of most. A story of sad awkwardness to be passed up in discussion as quickly as possible.

My baby died in my belly. 

And on that day, so did a part of me.