Here at The Band, we understand that the holidays are a difficult time for anyone.
We're having an ironically-titled Depression Carnival So you know you aren't alone.
You are not alone
I know you see me.
I can’t imagine what goes through your mind when you watch me from the backseat; when you see me raise my hand, trying to pretend there is something in my eye.
When the tears start to fall, I am helpless to stop them. It literally feels uncontrollable. Even knowing you are there, knowing you see me, doesn’t stop them. Sometimes they fall faster because I can’t imagine what it’s like to grow up with a mom like me.
I wonder if you notice that it doesn’t happen quite as often anymore. I wonder if you will hold on to the happy memories. I wonder if you will grow up thinking your mom was utterly unhappy your entire childhood. I wonder if the demons that plague me will come after you. I wonder if you will have to be in therapy because of me or simply because you share my DNA. I wonder if there will be a time when I can sit with you and explain what I went through, to make you believe that these tears were not caused by you.
Sometimes I tell you that you are too sensitive. I tell you to stop crying because it’s not that bad.
People tell me that I’m too hard on myself, that you are a happy child and I am doing a wonderful job as a mother.
But they don’t understand. They simply cannot understand. When I’m in the depths of a major depression episode, none of the good things matter. My mind is trapped, unable to escape from the feelings of despair. Everything I’ve done in your life has been wrong. It hasn’t been enough.
I haven’t been enough.
When I am curled up on the bathroom floor, struggling to make the tears stop so I can join you in play or make you dinner or do anything as long as I can put a smile on my face, I find myself praying. I am praying, with all my might, that you will never have to experience the mental anguish I am put through. I am praying that I will get better so you will have the mom you deserve. I am praying you won’t believe that I have ever not been enough.
I am praying to every deity, every force in the universe, that I continue to improve. That I have more better days. That, one day, I will feel like I am enough.