I believe in love. I believe in forever.
But I chose to walk away.
Unlike many other stories here on The Band, my ex-husband didn't beat me or abuse me, but I during my marriage, I started to lose my sense of self.
I went to a therapist a few years into our marriage for some issues that were mine, and in therapy, I came to realize that he had some issues, too. I had some issues with depression which I worked through with medication and my therapist.
My ex used to give me grief for going and working out - complaining that I "never spent any time with him," although he spent hours a day glued to online computer game. He also had anxiety and some OCD, but never wanted to admit it.
When our son was born, I did more than 95% of the parenting. I was a single parent that happened to be married.
He installed the security system for our son's daycare, and, three weeks later, it was broken into. So he was called in the middle of the night to go to the daycare and make a DVD copy of the security video for the cops. This event apparently triggered flashbacks of the trauma that occured several years earlier, when he walked in on someone burglarizing our house.
A month after the daycare break-in, he had a huge breakdown. We'd gotten a baby sitter and gone out to have a few drinks - nothing really crazy. That night was spent with him curled into a ball on the bathroom floor as I tried to calm him down. Eventually, he agreed to allow me take him to the emergency room for help. He was agitated, irritated, and anxious. They sent us home, advising us it was a panic attack, and told him to see his regular doctor.
He promised he would see the regular doctor and he did...but he refused all types of treatment - no drugs or therapist for him. He told me he knew his triggers - he had it under control. But I began to notice his behaviors getting worse - he didn't like being out at night. He didn't sleep well. He didn't like being home at night when I wasn't there, if I had a work function to attend.
He complained that we didn't have sex enough. I worked a full-time stressful job outside of the home and came home every night to perform the majority of childcare and the house.
He liked the money I made, but never let me vent about my job like a partner is supposed to do. I spoke to my OB/GYN about medication to help to increase my sex drive. My OB told me that I also needed to have consistent time to myself every week to recharge - just an hour or two would do. So I told him that. He told me "our schedules didn't allow for that," even though for years he had gone to a foreign language class once a week and, at one time, also had two evenings each week to himself to play online games.
That was the last straw for me.
I began to sleep more. I stopped taking care of myself. So I called my OB and resumed my medication. I told my friends what I needed to do and they hashed through all the good, bad, and ugly issues with me, strenghtening my purpose and resolve.
We tried marriage counseling, and the counselor affirmed my concerns regarding his anxiety issues. She helped give me the courage to walk away.
I did not want to be a statistic. I got married believing it was forever. I loathed the thought of letting go of that dream; breaking up my family. However, I knew that my son deserved to know his Mom was happy and healthy.
And I am. I'm off my medications for anxiety or depression, though I wouldn't hesitate to call someone if I needed it. I have a great support network of family and friends who all helped me through the rough transition.
My divorce was final on December 14. I walked down those steps outside the courthouse and wasn't sure how to feel. It wasn't exactly something to celebrate, and part of me mourns what I lost, but I know that I can move forward now.19 Comments