I am 33-years old. I should not be dealing with bullies...but I am. Apparently, people can't rise above third grade. I am a single parent, and I bust my ass working out of the state as a medical professional three days out of the week. This has fueled the fire of some douchebag bitches that were once my friends. Two days ago, I wanted to die. I still do, just not as much.
You see, since I was 7-years old, there has been this nagging voice in my head. It's the voice of my parents, my teachers, my family, my friends telling me that I will never be good enough, smart enough, strong enough, successful enough, caring enough, devoted enough. I will never be enough.
Sometimes I stay busy enough to ignore the intrusive thoughts. Other times, like two days ago, my life falls into shambles so I not only listen to these long-deceased voices, but I believe them.
Tuesday was different. I had two "close friends" betray me and harass me via Facebook, Twitter, text message - but neither of them had the balls to actually call me to confront me on the "issues" they had with me.
I can tell you this: as soon as all of this bullshit started, I wanted to die. I don't want to deal with being attacked anymore. I don't want to feel the pain, so deep, cutting like a knife.
I don't want to relive and rehash the past. I want a gun. I want it over with. Yes, me, the one who has tried so hard to get out of the shadow of my mom's stupid suicide. The daughter that never did anything right. The daughter who never was enough, couldn't fix everything, and eventually fucked it all up.
While I was contemplating where I would acquire said gun, I asked myself why I wanted it to be all over and done with. I can tell you exactly why:
I write this not for the attention, because we all know how glamorous self-loathing is. I've been programmed to hate myself since I was 7-years old. Not just dislike - but the deep-down, disgusted, self-loathing hate that sinks to the very fiber of my being. I want to run away and escape this problem...but the problem is ME.
I was born to be this way.
My family wants to commit me. They want to send me to some hospital to be theRAPEized to death. I have zero desire to do that.
They want me to quit my job and "get my shit together." There is nothing to "get together." I have no more strength. I am tired. Weary. Exhausted. Emotionally, physically, and mentally, I have overextended myself. I can't feel anymore. The thought of connecting with other people in any meaningful way, JUST THE THOUGHT, sends me into a panic.
I can no longer handle others and their expectations of me. I just want to be alone, isolated, independent, a solitary person. I don't need people. It's like they draw me in, only to fuck with my head even more (BECAUSE, HELLO, I FUCKING NEED THAT). And then they abandon me. I'm discarded like last week's junk mail.
I just want to die. And I don't see it as such a bad thing. I can no longer deal with disappointment. As I've said, my strength is depleted. My will is long gone.
Death and the ultimate isolation it brings sounds so inviting. I have refused to get help. I will continue to do so.
My demise will be untimely... according to some.32 Comments