I don't celebrate Mother's Day. I'm a nurse, so I volunteer to work on Mother's Day so my coworkers can have their day. I never want to be a mother, and I had to cut my mother off years ago.
This day is usually full of frustration and bitterness.
How do I explain my mother to anyone in one sitting? She's a mix of mental illness and weak will. She's endlessly self serving. She believes that she is better than anyone she meets. She's a hoarder of things and animals. She is severely ill but refuses help. She continually believes that everything would be okay if she could just get more money. THERE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH MONEY. She's been bailed out so many times, and whenever she receives money, the first thing she has to do is buy a treat for herself. And another, etc.
My mother signed up to join the Army while she was still in high school and immediately regretted her decision. The only way to get out of military service was to get pregnant. HERE I AM. I had one purpose and it was served before I was ever born. There was literally no other reason for me to be alive, and I was never allowed to forget it.
My mother allowed my sister and I to be abused by her boyfriends and husbands. Whenever we were sick as children, we always ended up in the hospital, while my mother called family and friends and profited from our suffering.
She left us alone with a mentally handicapped babysitter who was technically old enough to watch us. While under her care, I suffered a burn. It wasn't bad at the time, but my mother refused surgery. Then she took me out of the state and dumped me on my grandparents before social services could get involved. I lost part of a breast to the infection that followed, which destroyed any chance I would ever have of breastfeeding. I was 10 years old. After the surgery to save my life, she refused to allow the re-constructive surgery that would have given me some kind of normal appearance.
I won a scholarship to go to Germany for my senior year of high school. I worked so hard to win it. My mother forced me to give her every cent of the money I earned over the year before she would sign the forms allowing me to go, allowing me to get my passport.
The year in Germany changed my life. I saw a real family. I saw how real people keep their homes clean. I saw how the U.S. is seen from a world view.
I came home to a bed filled with animal feces. While I slept on the couch that night, a animal defecated on my head.
A few weeks later, my mother and step-father did something that forever changed my life for the better. They kicked me out of the house because while I offered to pay rent, I wouldn't sign over my paychecks to them anymore.
I moved away, I went to college, I have a life. I have a good life.
My Grandmother's dying wish was that I try to have a relationship with my mother. I tried for several years after her death before admitting that it was impossible.
The cost to have a good life is to never call my mother. I can never write her. At any inkling of communication, she begins her endless harassment for money. Lists of things she needs. Phone calls at all hours. Telling me I ruined her life. The cost is to not know my brother and to have a difficult relationship with my sister.
I have my life. I have what passes for peace. But the word "mother" fills me with anger. One day soon, due to her lifestyle and excesses, she will need medical attention, and I will have to be involved. As a healthcare professional, I won't be able to turn my back, and I'm dreading it.
I used to believe there was something wrong with me to cause my mother to allow what happened to me. I realized that to her, I was just a consequence of an action, I wasn't anything to love or cherish. I had a purpose, and that purpose was served. The realization allowed me to move forward with my life, and I hope that anyone else with an abusive parent is able to find purpose and move forward. There is so much more to life than being your mother's child.8 Comments