Child sexual abuse is an atrocity we may never fully heal from.
This is her story:
I was the daughter of a teen couple who found out very quickly they were way too young to be together forever. My grandparents filled in the parental gap for five years.
My mom decided to get married again to a man she did not know was a pedophile.
Everything started when I was 8 or 9. He would wait for my mom to go shopping, then he would call me to their bedroom where he would hold me and rub himself against me with the TV on. All I can remember is the sports channel as background.
I felt so betrayed, I thought he wanted to be a daddy to me. From then until I was 13 he mistreated me, hitting me, kicking me. He would walk in the bathroom to "check" on me, and rub his filthy hands on my thighs. He demanded for me to go with him in the car wherever he went so he could touch me.
Then his 14 year old nephew visited and made me take a shower with him while fondling me. My mom was in the garden with his mom showing her the pretty roses.
My stepfather's brother made me wear a baby doll nightgown and made me take off my panties. I even went downstairs to the family reunion to show my mom, but she did not say anything.
I was sexually abused by my stepfather, his nephew and his brother.
I didn't have anything sexy in me, but this guy said I was so sexy. I was nine, ONLY NINE, and I loved playing dolls.
When I was 13 he left my mom. I was so glad! She tried to make up with him. I could not hold it inside of me anymore, so exploded and shouted everything to my mom.
She fainted, he said it was not true. I told my mom to call the priest so I could swear to God it was true. I was more than willing. Then he said he would take me to a doctor he knew to prove me wrong.
He never came back.
My mom and I never spoke about it until her next boyfriend, a drug dealer, said he would protect me. Then, he tried to french kiss me.
I became very promiscuous and had several boyfriends and sexual affairs. I fell in love so easily and would give myself away to anyone willing to "love" me back. I tried to kill myself at 16. I went to a shrink whose main priority was getting me to admit I had gotten pleasure from being abused. I drank too much, partied too much, smoked too much, dropped out of high school, tried marijuana. I felt so incredibly lonely. At 21, I got pregnant and had an abortion.
I had hit rock bottom.
I do not want to sound religious, but God saved me. He became my reason for living, but even after years knowing Him it has been so hard to talk about this. No one wants to hear the stories, or how much they harm your married sex life or the way you bond with your children.
I overprotect my children. I am quite paranoid and do not trust people. I'm quite neurotic if I see injustice. Pastors do not like me because I do not trust them, only God. When anything gets out of control, I feel like a nine year old again - so helpless, alone, and sad. I know I am loved, but I do not feel worthy.
I do not hate my stepfather anymore but I want to break free from the prison of memories.
I need to acknowledge this pain, to finally tell someone who won't judge me, I want to feel free.
I am tired of me.4 Comments