After four years struggling to get pregnant, going to the doctor, getting tested and undergoing fertility treatments (3 rounds of Clomid), I'm pregnant!

I'm due April 5th of 2014.

I'm so excited, obviously, but there's something else, too. 

I had tough pregnancies the first two times. With my first, I was sick for the first 20 weeks before finally started to feel better. Then, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and put on bed-rest.

For 18 weeks.

Yeah, not fun.

My doctor didn't want to put me on any medications for it, so I felt sick all the time. I also have a bleeding disorder, so even though other on-call OB's said I should be delivered, he waited until I was term to attempt a (failed) induction and then c-section.

The pediatrician told us if we'd waited any longer, our baby would have died.

The second time around was a lot better. I felt great throughout the pregnancy, but the preeclampsia reared it's ugly head the 30-week mark - this time much worse than before. I was immediately given steroid shots to mature the baby's lungs and sent to a hospital that had a waiting NICU bed. Fortunately with bed-rest and medication, the doctors managed to get things under control and I was discharged two weeks later. I had a repeat c-section at 38 weeks.

I keep waiting for that other shoe to drop.

I know I could have a perfectly healthy pregnancy, but given my history I doubt that'll happen. My sister-in-law is also pregnant and dealing with preeclampsia and bed-rest. So even if I could somehow manage to push the fear out of my mind, there's a constant reminder of what can happen.

I should be happy and thrilled and basking in the joy of this. Don't get me wrong, I AM very happy - I just can't get those negative thoughts out of my head.

What if it doesn't end so well? What if the baby isn't okay? What if I'm not okay and leave my kids without a mom?

I'm only 16 weeks along, but I've already placed myself on modified bed-rest, doing as little as possible. I don't know if it's because I think it will help or I'm depressed... or a little of both.

I don't want to do anything; I'm grouchy, emotional and I don't feel myself. All symptoms of pregnancy, but maybe prenatal depression there as well. I certainly have a history of it.

I just wish this could be easy.

Someone told me a few days ago that I should quit complaining and feeling sorry for myself; there are so many people who can't have kids who'd gladly trade places with me. It's not that I'm not grateful and happy to be pregnant, there's just so much fear and worry thanks to my history.

Of course I know there are people out there who have it way, way worse than me, but does that make my feelings less important?

I wish I was good at being pregnant.
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