There is no one in life who will not let you down.
...are you waiting for the "but..."? That magical statement that's supposed to follow to make the above sentence mean something good? Well, there isn't one. People are flawed. They're going to leave. They're going to fuck you over, they're going to disappoint you; they're going to make you sad and angry and frustrated, all to varying degrees.
And you're just going to have to keep going.
See, people need other people. But other people can't be the only thing keeping you together. Because other people are weak too. We're all fragile, we'll all fail, and then we'll all move on.
Let me back this up with a little ethos. I was recently betrayed in the biggest way by two of the closest people I knew. I had a marriage that was shorter than most celebrities', the "best years of my (social) life" scarred by a relationship I didn't realize was unhealthy, and a fragile psyche due to a life surrounded with illness, suicide attempts, and way less self-esteem than I let on. Now, I'm not trying to say my life was terrible. I was broken, yeah, but aside from the occasional destructive nights alone with my own thoughts, I was the projection of happiness.
And I even fooled myself.
It wasn't until the perfect life I had built up in my head had manifested itself and rapidly fell apart that I realized just how unhappy I was with it all.
After seeing the ravages left by successful suicide of an old friend from school, I never considered myself suicidal. Every time the darkness consumed me, I could always find at least one thing to make myself say, "This is why I can't actually go through with it." But in a way, that just made me more methodical. I would take self destruction to new levels without actually putting myself in "any real danger", or so I said. While I've gotten away from the harm for the most part, it's not like the thoughts aren't there. But there comes a certain point where you sort of just reduce suicide to the ultimate back-up plan. You tell yourself, I'm gonna keep going. I'm going to try this thing. And if all else fails....hey, there's that. It might sound sick, but it's true. And eventually, it's not even an option anymore. And you look back and realize just how far away from that possibility you are. You and I both, we may not be there yet, but as long as we keep walking forward, it's not within reach. And that's a start.
So what about these other people?
Well, they come in when you're weak. When you want to turn around and run to terrifying possibilities. Sometimes you'll need to reach out and cling to them, and sometimes they'll realize you're slipping and grab on to you. Or sometimes they'll pull you back without even realizing it. But the most important thing is, sometimes, you need to be able to do that for yourself. Even when your head is the one place you want to run from. Because the only thing worse than shutting everyone out when you're on the edge is expecting them to say what you want to hear to talk you down.
So yeah, people are gonna suck sometimes. Every one of them, at one point or another. And other times, they're gonna be exactly what you need. (And here comes the but you were waiting for at the beginning of this...) BUT, where other people lack, you're going to learn to make up for in yourself. It will make you stronger. And, in turn, you'll be stronger for them too.
I was let down in the worst of ways. But I'm finally seeing how beautiful that was. I still have nights where I struggle immensely, and to be honest this was one of them...that's why I'm here. But I can tell you right now that if my life would have gone the way I thought I wanted it to, I would be missing out on so many things that I'm finding right now. I would have accepted the dim porch light of my happiness as the true sunshine I've been experiencing since.
And most of all, I wouldn't be getting better.
But I promise you...it gets better.5 Comments