This is my first post on BB2G, so it's probably going to be very awkward and ramble-y.
I have EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), depression, OCD, newly-labeled social anxiety (and the panic attacks that come along with it), insomnia, a worsening speech impediment, anger management problems, self-mutilation problems, as well as many health issues (hyper-valve prolapse, loose ligaments, shin splints, and there's more I don't feel like listing), and family problems (estrangement, some emotional abuse/physical abuse, and just not fitting in).
I'm 16 years old.
I've talked to Aunt Becky before, and I am trying to "grab that spiral and make it my bitch," but I'm having troubles.
I can't really talk to anyone, because (it sounds so terribly cliche, BUT) they don't understand. They don't know what it feels like to have to sit in your room at 3AM, carving your skin open because you think that for just a second, just one fucking second, it will help you feel something more than shame and fear and guilt.
They don't understand what it feels like to only feel pretty when you vomit into a toilet bowl. They don't understand the feeling that it's not right, it's not right, it's not fucking right that there isn't an even number of chairs in the room.
And the people that I do talk to just tell me that I'm making it up for attention and that it's all in my head. If I do try to tell my parents that it's not made up, it will just stress them out even more and they can't handle that right now. We have no money, so any type of treatment isn't available to me now.
My brother has left for college, and it's so weird not having him here. We were never really that close, but we were close enough, and I hate him not being there for me. I hate not being able to sit in the car with him at midnight and just drive with the windows down and the music blasting.
And with my mother having Type 1 diabetes, having 3 AP Classes at school, my (now ex) boyfriend breaking up with me, my knee dislocating for the third time, not having enough money for college in two years, everything's just been piling up. I'm so stressed. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm scared, The Band. I really am. I'm scared that I will one day just throw myself out of the car going down the highway, that one day I'll cut too deep, that I will end myself. I know it sounds dramatic and overplayed, but I don't know how else to put it.
I want to make it through, Band. I just don't know how or if I will be able to.
And I know this is more rant-y than anything, but still.
Thanks for being here. xo