What The Hell Is Self-Loathing?
Self-Loathing is an intense self-hatred of yourself or what you do. Self-loathing is also an extreme form of low-self esteem. It's also something a LOT of us have struggled with at some point. So if you feel like a freak - don't. A lot of us have been there before.
So Basically, I Hate Myself?
Kind of...but not totally.
Basically, you have shitty self-esteem. But hey, it's not your fucking fault.
Sometimes, self-loathing can be a sign of depression or other shit. Depression might make you avoid your friends, family, and school. Depressed people feel like they suck at everything; they're not good enough, and no one likes them. It's hard to focus on what you're good at, and compliments make you really uncomfortable.
Self-loathing, guilt, and shame all tend to come from feelings of worthlessness. Which is bullshit because you're fucking full of the awesome, even if you don't see it now. Trust me, I'm Your Aunt Becky and I know this shit.
Why The Fuck Do I Hate Myself?
Self-loathing typically happens to two kinds of people (prolly more but math wasn't my strong suit): those who are depressed and those who had a shitty home life as kids. Sometimes you are depressed AND had/have a shitty home life. If you've had people around you who were verbally abusive, emotionally traumatizing, or if you were neglected or abandoned, you might blame yourself on some level and begin to hate yourself.
See, when you're a kid you develop your sense of self from the way you are treated. You can be affected both emotionally (how you felt), and intellectually (how you learn right and wrong). But, regardless of whether those judgments about yourself come from other people’s opinions or from inside you, it can cause a big struggle.
During an experience where a person is hurt, their needs are left unmet, or their emotions are not recognized, they get pissed the fuck off. If you have secure self-esteem, you realize the way someone else treated you isn't fair AND isn't your fault. It's pretty much all, “Why did this happen?” “Why did they hurt me?” rather than, "This happened because I deserved it."
If you are abused, especially if it's repeatedly - it doesn't matter if the abuse is psychological, physical, sexual, or emotional - you start believing that you must deserve the punishment you're getting.
News Flash: YOU DON'T.
But...if your feelings and needs are always invalidated, you start to feel like it means you're bad because you are treated like shit.
So, Is It Your Fault?
Fuck no, it's not your fault!
I know, you're feeling all, “I deserve this, it must be my fault.” Because instead of being able to be angry at someone else for being bullshit to you, you've learned to turn that anger at yourself. You blame yourself for not being better - not being good enough to meet other people's ridiculous expectations - and that, my young friend, is the beginning of self-hatred.
Sometimes, though, it's ugly-ass depression rat-a-tatting at your window.
If you're all, "AB, I wasn't abused. Everyone loved me and STILL I hate myself," know this: depression can ALSO cause self-loathing and shame. Depression needs a kick in the taco.
How The Shit Do I Know If I Hate Myself?
Sometimes, mah young friend, it's not so fucking clear-cut. Sorry 'bout that. So you think, "If I'm not all moping in my room listening to The Cure and wearing black, I can't hate myself...right?"
Not so. Sometimes, self-loathing takes other forms like:
- Drug and alcohol abuse
- Emotional detachment
- Fucking Furious George Rage
- Cutting or other forms of self-injury
- Risky sex - lots 'o' partners and not using proper protection
What Are Some Self-Loathing Thoughts?
- I am worthless
- I deserve this pain
- I deserve to be treated like dog shit
- Other people are WAAAAY better than me
- I'm weak, pathetic and too sensitive
- I am stupid for being hurt by this and people will laugh at me if I say I am hurting
- I don’t deserve to be comforted
- People just put up with me
- I hurt everyone; people should stay away from me
- People expect the worst of me, why bother trying?
- Everything I do SUCKS
- I can’t live up to anyone’s expectations
- If only I was was as smart/hot/cool as X...
- I fail at life
How To Interrupt Negative Self-Talk:
Sometimes, if you feel like shit, you have this monologue of crappy self-talk going in your head for so long you want to scream. Here are some things you can do when your brain is being an asshole:
- Treat yourself the way you treat your friends. You deserve better than hating yourself.
- Do something different – stand up, take a walk, sing – to interrupt the negative self-talk.
- If it’s saying, “I’m worthless,” say “Fuck you, I’m awesome.”
- See yourself as worthy.
- Look at the negative self-talk. Is it even true? Can you figure out where you got that idea from? Challenge the thoughts!
- Fucking talk to someone if you can. Lots of people feel like crap about themselves at SOME point.
Helping Someone You Love:
- Getting out of a depressed funk is hard as hell. Tell them that. Because it takes balls to admit you feel like ass.
- Call them. Text them. Tweet them. Email them. Facebook them. Just reach out.
- If they want to talk, fucking LISTEN.
- Offer to hang out.
- Tell 'em they're not worthless. Sometimes, when we're super depressed, we can't see that.
- Tell 'em you love them.
- Keep calling, emailing, texting, and Tweeting. They might need a LOT of encouragement!