I've recently started this "lifestyle change."

If I call it a "diet," I'll fail miserably like I have a thousand other times. I'm trying really hard to watch what I eat. Most days I keep a nifty online journal that tells me how many calories I can have and how many I've consumed. It's been helpful. Tonight, I even walked two and a half miles, which is awesome for me. I'm still sitting here sweatin' my balls off!

It's HARD not to get discouraged. The last three weeks I have stuck to eating 1600 calories, which means that I should lose about two pounds a week. I have only lost two pounds altogether and depending on the time of day that I weigh myself, I haven't even lost that.

I know everyone is different. I know I shouldn't weigh myself all the time. I know I've been drinking almost a gallon of water a day to fight hunger. I know I should walk more. I know what I should know.

I know I will lose the weight. I know I need to. I have gained almost 100 pounds since high school and there's no reason for that. Yes, I had three children, I have a stressful job and a hard marriage. Still, not an excuse. I think I'm more disappointed in myself for all the excuses and letting my weight get so out of control.

I have a constant fight with my reasoning. If I eat just one more bite, it won't hurt. I have to finish my whole plate or I'll be wasting money.

My whole life I thought that I was fat because family always said I was. I remember asking Mom for a snack. My mom replied "and you wonder why you're so fat." I was only 10. Looking at pictures, I see I wasn't fat, I was beautiful. Maybe if my family and kids at school hadn't been cruel, I'd have cared how I looked. Maybe I wouldn't have been so discouraged. Now that I have friends who encourage me, I know that I can do it. I can lose this weight.

I have awesome support group this time. I will exercise my self-control. This will be a journey of hits and misses. I cannot and will not get discouraged.

I really need to get hot for Aunt Becky's cruise. I need to be able to wear a swimsuit in the Bahamas and not look like a beached whale.

100 lbs. That's all.

I cannot wait to know what it feels like 100 pounds lighter. That's a whole person. Somewhere, I will find the willpower. And I will do it!

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